Disney World Ride Rankings

I took the family on yet another trip to Disney World this past week. Now that I'm back, I thought I'd provide some guidance to park newbies. I'll start off by saying that the park is just as magical for little kids as the commercials make it out to be. Anyone taking kids under age 13 or so are just about sure to make some good memories. That said, from the very moment you reach the entry gate traffic, you might find Disney World to be a bit daunting. The place is huge. The place is packed. And the place is expensive. So in an effort to ease some of the confusion you're likely to feel as you make your way through the throngs toward the monorail, here is my short guide to the park including a ranking of every ride, from the gotta-ride-it to the meh-I'll-skip it.

First, the dress code. No matter how cute you dress your kid, they're going to want you to buy them a shirt, hat, or both at one of the park's dozens of shops. Then they're going to insist on immediately changing into that new item. It's an unwritten rule. Also, teen to grown men wear baseball caps and teen to grown women wear booty shorts. Hey, I don't write these rules, I just report them.

Next, the employees. Almost all of them are friendly, helpful, and smiling. The exception to this rule is the stroller police. I suspect this is the assignment given to the buttholes that are on their way to being fired for poor soft skills but haven’t quite gotten kicked off payroll yet.

Then, the grounds themselves. Awesome. There's so much to look at and do, the day flies by and your kids are never bored.

And lastly, FastPass. It's the biggest negative in the Disney experience in my opinion. Watching people skip you in line because they paid more sucks. Especially after paying the standard (and steep) $99-105 to get in. They might as well label the “Stand-By” wait lines “Plebe” lines instead. If you can afford to chip in another $30 for the FastPass, do it. Sure, it's robbery, but some of the wait lines are brutal and your kids will complain bitterly about being passed over by those that paid more.

Now, onto the rides from my least favorite to the best…

The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh – Even spending 11 hours in the park, I still didn't manage to ride this one. I kinda dig Tigger so I'll try to catch this one next time around.

Astro Orbiter – This is the other ride I didn't get a chance to try. Next time!

Stitch's Great Escape – I'm not even sure this one belongs on the list as it's really more of a show than a ride, but it has a height requirement so I included it. Regardless, it's lame. I've never seen the Lilo & Stitch movie, but if it's anything like this attraction, I'm glad I've managed to avoid it.

Prince Charming Regal Carrousel – It's a carousel. You can find them in half your city's shopping malls these days.

Carousel of Progress – This one is also more of a show than a ride, but I include it because Walt Disney himself played a significant role in its design and that alone is reason enough to check it out. They really ought to rename it “Carousel of History” at this point. It's a kitchy look at Walt's view of the past and potential future circa 1964.

Mad Tea Party – After walking for hours in the scorching Orlando sun eating nothing but fried foods and sugary soft drinks, what better way to relax than spinning in circles?

Under the Sea – Even my little girl was less than impressed and she liked the movie.

Dumbo the Flying Elephant – This one lets you fly around in slow circles while you decide on which better ride you want to try next.

Walt Disney World Railroad – Similar to the PeopleMover but longer and louder.

Tomorrowland Transit Authority PeopleMover – This is just a relaxing ride around part of the park as you take in the view from above the attractions.

It's a Small World – Bigger kids don't like this one much, but it's a nostalgic boat trip through our world cultures as Disney wishes they were. Cute, friendly, and conflict free. 

Peter Pan's Flight – I don't understand why this one so often has a massive wait line, but it's a cute little flying tour of J.M. Barrie's version of London.

Magic Carpets of Aladdin – This is essentially just a variation on the Dumbo ride, but for some reason, I like it much better. Maybe it's the music.

Haunted Mansion – Sure, even my three year old isn't scared by this ride, but it's still fun and on hot days, the air conditioning is a welcome respite.

Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin – This ride is a Toy Story themed moving shooting gallery. Kids love this one.

Tomorrowland Speedway – It's race cars on a long winding track at a speed that's safe enough to let your little one take the wheel.

Jungle Cruise – This slow boat ride through animatronic jungle animals and natives is full of bad puns from the tour guides but I bet you laugh at least once.

Pirates of the Caribbean – This one is currently closed. I suspect they're updating it based on the newer film entries, but based on past experience, I still consider this ride one of the park's best. It's a boat tour through pirate ship battles, sing-alongs, and general sea-faring mayhem.

Barnstormer – This little roller coaster is a blast. Too bad it's so short!

Big Thunder Mountain Railroad – A fun roller coaster that's a bit rougher than the Mine Train and Space Mountain offerings.

Seven Dwarfs Mine Train – This junior roller coaster is the park's newest ride. It's a great addition but you'll want to go early in the morning or late at night to avoid the long lines.

Space Mountain – Before this most recent trip, Space Mountain was my favorite ride. It's a nearly-pitch black indoor roller coaster and probably the scariest ride in the park. This time around though, the posted 25 minute wait turned out to be 70 minutes. And the line offers no way to turn back and leave. After a hot, sweaty, claustrophobic hour plus, I walked away much less of a fan.

Splash Mountain – My new favorite ride in the park. Brer Rabbit and pals are fun and the big, wet drop at the end of this one is always refreshing.